I haven't felt like writing much since Alanna developed cancer. Certainly not since she died last month. My mom was visiting this last weekend and ran across a passage from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's "Letters and Papers from Prison", pp. 100-101. It was helpful for me to hear again. Maybe it will help you, too, if you are still having a hard time with Alanna's death.
He writes:
"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone whom we love, and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God does not fill it, but on the contrary, God keeps it empty and so helps us keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain...The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. The beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a precious gift in themselves. We must take care not to wallow in our memories or to hand ourselves over to them, just as we do not gaze all the time at a valuable present, but only at special times, and apart from these keep it simply as a hidden treasure that is ours for certain. In this way the past gives us lasting joy and strength."
Friends, I have wallowed and I have tried not to remember. I can do neither. He is right. I can cherish my relationship with Alanna as part of who I am, part of the best of me, and still proceed forward. We must proceed forward.
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5 comments:
Jim,
Louise J Kaplan wrote in her book No Voice Is Ever Wholly Lost,
The process of morning is not only about detachment and the gradual relinquishment of the lost one, it is also about a reconfirmation of our attachments. The full work of mourning encompasses the rebuilding of our inner world and the restoration of the beloved in the form of an inner presence - if not precisely a Spirit or ghost, an aspect of ego or conscience, an ideal, a passion. Over the course of time, these inner presences may undergo further development and revision, but they will never leave us. We can call on our inner presences to join us in the morning over coffee and rolls, to help us fold the laundry properly, to guide us in planting a garden, to inspire a painting, to give us the courage to protest social injustice.
Long after the return of logic and reason, long after we rejoin the world of the living, we are still attached to our loved ones. The human dialogue - that which makes living a life worthwhile- goes on. In the absence of this dialogue, we are lost.
May you find the inner presence that is Alanna.
Amen to that. Long live the connection to Alanna.
Loss leaves us empty - but learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void.
-Pam Brown
Jim: It still feels bizarre and disjointed to even have the reason to be writing these words. I can only know a little of what you are going through. But, I too, have embraced the idea that Alanna is within us all and we have the gift of what she has said/done/lived to carry us through the moments when she is no longer with us. I'm hoping to use that grace to get through rough times when I can recall her words of encouragement. I hope you can find it within you to do the same, but embrace life as it can be a gift now... even without her right beside you.
This is my prayer for you, Sean and Anni and the rest of us who are just as empty at times without her.
Jim,
I have been exploring and trying to lean into this concept of respecting and welcoming the emptiness and recognizing that pain is a part of the process. Joy seems far off at this point. I am trying to trust that in loss, there is purpose and a way to move forward. Notice I am saying "trying".
I love you Bro. That is not something I have to try about.
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