Just throw out the rules?

There are times in my life when I am vulnerable to the idea that the rules are unimportant. The rules of life may not be stated the the same for each person, but I am pretty clear about mine, and I wouldn't mind changing them. The only problem is that it wouldn't help one little bit.

I hesitate to be too open here for fear my friends will worry. I am not suffering through a crisis, just a temptation. I know how to face temptation. Every day takes me further and further from my wife. I have felt lately as though I am on a ship that has put to sea. Alanna didn't make the boat before we cast off. For a while I simply sat at the stern looking back at the shore, missing her terribly. Over the last 7 1/2 months I have moved forward in the ship, mixing more with the crew and the other passengers. Still, I spend less time engaged with the souls around me than I would hope for.

In some ways I feel like I am being exposed to a whole new life. (And that would be true.) While Alanna was here I never would have been alone at this time of the morning to feel alone enough to blog about this kind of thing. I would have simply plopped down next to her to talk or climbed back into bed to chat. My routine has been forever changed. (I find it almost comical that I have to relearn this over and over.) Now I blog to friends and total strangers and God about it. No offense intended, but I liked the other system better.

I have considered trying to have a new relationship with someone. I have met initial resistance, which I interpret (correctly or not) as trying too hard too early. There is a great obstacle in that most of the women I would be interested in dating also knew Alanna. I could understand why someone might be worried about being seen as trying to take over Alanna's memory. Folks don't give me much credit for thinking that such a thing is even possible, but I get it. I fear I may be off limits to women for a while.

A solution for that would be to meet someone who is not part of my usual circle. It's true. Admittedly, I have considered everything from meeting someone at the gym, to entering a whole new social arena for consideration, to a tawdry one night stand. None fit the rules. Hence the frustration over what to do about the rules. See?

My rules revolve around following Jesus (this will kill many potential relationships on its own), giving my children as much time as I can (first things, first), and taking care of myself (since my kids are parentally limited). Care takes the form of rest, sleep, and exercise. Included in following Jesus are my personal acts and my public acts. I volunteer in multiple ways and co-lead a fledgling faith community. Oh yeah, and I have a paying job that keeps me pretty busy, too. That's crucial to survival, even though I'd keep pretty busy without it.

Sometimes rules need to be reexamined. Sometimes. As I sit here looking at such basic, necessary rules I know that to change even one would change ME. And even though I could stand to lose more weight, eat better, and visit with friends more, I like who I am. I am clear that I am made in the image of God. I'm not perfect, but I am comfortable in my skin. I am a (mostly) good father. I love to teach, and really like getting paid to do it! I love my friends and co-workers. I am blessed. There are just one or two things that I'd like to be different. Perhaps they will come with time. Perhaps a person never gets everything they want. If so, I've got everything I really need, and that will be plenty. The rules aren't so bad after all.