Something old, Something new, Someone stupid, Someone blue

Life is full of changes, no? Our house is no stranger to change. It just keeps coming. Tomorrow is my last day as youth director at St. Stephen's. Three days ago was Alanna's birthday. I am working to begin a new ministry with some like-minded folks here in town. I am beginning a new job that finally puts my undergraduate degree to good use. I am trying to rebuild friendships with some very old friends while making sure I don't stagnate by looking backward. I am facing this new school year with all its glorious drama for my children. And to top it all off, I am trying to do without my anti-depressant medication during the whole thing.

I know the drill, friends. I've heard the news stories about the depressed person or schizophrenic person who feels good and decides to forego their meds because they don't feel the need for them any more. The meds wear off. Bad things happen. I know, I know. Let me provide my thoughts here before you call or write to express your well founded concern.

First of all, I am changing insurance companies with my change in jobs. I have a large deductible to meet before the copays kick in. I am facing firsthand what so many nameless, faceless people go through daily. I'm no hero, and hopefully no idiot. I just need to see if the money still needs to be spent. If it does, so be it. If not, it will be a helpful non-expense.

Also, having been off my med for nearly a week now, I am beginning to feel things that I haven't for some time. Honestly, I don't know that I like it, or that I can handle it indefinitely. It was explained to me when I began taking the meds some six months ago that it would even my emotions out; lessening the peaks and valleys of emotion. I needed it then. I know that. But I must admit something here. I have cried/mourned Alanna's death more in the last week than I have in the previous 2 months. I am crying again. A response that I have been hard pressed to present until now. I feel like I am missing some necessary grieving by taking the little pill each day. I'm not overwhelmed, I just feel more. I haven't been a zombie, I just felt a bit too numb.

I want to grieve. I want to be overwhelmingly happy once in a while. I want to love passionately again someday. And I know what to look for. I have been depressed before without having treatment. (I'm not proud of that, by the way.) Alanna had to suffer through those other seasons in our life together. I won't put my kids through any more than should be expected. Even well adjusted (sometimes medicated) parents need to be jerks in their kid's eyes once in a while.

I have a month's supply of medication ready to be used if this isn't the time to do this. I can get right back on it. But I will find out whether or not now is the time by trial, not using some artificial timeline. I have faith that this will yield something beneficial, whatever that might be.