I Can't Fix This

First off, Happy New Year, world. It always feels like a fresh start. Amazing what a change in calendar dates can do for improving attitude.

Have you ever noticed how guys like to fix things? When presented with a problem - mechanical, personal, or what have you - most men will immediately seek out a solution, a fix. It's how we're wired inside. (I know a lot of women who would like to fix that!) Our family is facing a problem that I am not going to be able to fix, and it's already eating at me.

Almost seven months ago my wife was diagnosed with cancer. We spent six months fighting it hard, getting her through multiple surgeries and radiation treatments. It was not easy, but there was a plan that pointed towards success and we followed it. We discovered thirteen days ago that the cancer is back and has spread to new areas of her body. This is not good. It is causing her pain this time in a way that the first round of cancer did not; far more intense. Through consulting a pain specialist and going through a couple of rounds of kyphoplasty, two tumors in her vertebrae have been removed. There are others that remain and are apparently inoperable.

This brings me to my personal dilemma. There may be no plan available to fix things this time. We are facing a very real possibility that my wife will die from the cancer this time. Radiation may do no more than slow these tumors down. Chemotherapy wasn't considered curative the first time through, and what she did try was a hideous experience for her. We are putting her teams of doctors back together now that the holidays are ending to get back on track as much as possible. We are hopeful that there is something to try that we are not yet aware of, knowing also that things may be as grim as they look.

With only two weeks under my mental belt so far, I am holding it together. I know I am growing more irritable already and have begun to grieve at the thought of being without my better half. My life experience to this point has not prepared me for this eventuality. I might compare it to an airline flight. The flight attendants always begin by telling the passengers what to do in case of emergency landing or cabin depressurization, knowing these are low chance occurrences. But even in a post 9/11 world, they don't tell you what to do in case of a terrorist action on board. I feel as though my life and marriage are being hijacked by the terrorist known as Cancer, and I have few tools with which to deal with it.

My faith informs my life. I do not fear what we are dealing with because I believe that God walks with us through it all. I also recognize that God loved Job in the Bible, but many bad things happened to him anyway. I am not Job, but I can learn from his experience. I will rely on God to see me and my family through this even though no end is yet in sight. I have an abundance of friends and brothers and sisters in Christ who are there for us.

I will become very practiced in riding the wave wherever it may take us, because I know that the same wave is big enough to destroy us if we aren't careful. There is no fix, and that hurts. I'll have to get used to it.